Where he braids her hair, I love it when Master does that to me
My Words. Our Journey.
This area is trying to kill me, I swear it. While I know that would make certain saddle tramp ecstatic, I refuse to let it knock me down. I’ve been having fever-dreams. Hellacious ones at that. Where i’m fighting to the death in most instances. Where i’m fighting for my life, hands cut up and bleeding and i’m constantly surrounded by the color red. I called to Sehkmet when I began to research her and asked for her to guide me in the right direction. To help me become stronger, wiser and smarter. To be the best I can be within myself as well as for my Master. Ever since then i’ve had some violent and aggressive dreams. Related? Perhaps, however, I still have so much to learn and so much to grow, the key is I need to just listen.
My master has said numerous times, i’ve become more argumentative as of late. I didn’t realize it and it’s saddening because i don’t want to be disobedient, but there are things he says that I cannot help but default to disagree. Like when he calls me beautiful, My automatic retort is to say “No.” or when I call myself fat, don’t get me wrong, I get a punishment every time, but I cannot shake myself from saying it. I hate it with a passion and I wish I could just erase that function from my brain. How does one stop something they’ve done all of their life?
Either way, knowing i’m being disobedient is making me so sad inside and I can feel these walls crumble. I am doing my best to not revert to my old ways and just disobey everything from protocols to how I respond to Master.